Divine Questions #2
Directeth thy mouse to scroll downward, if thee wouldst read the first of these divine questions. Sheesh.
Divine Question #11:
So how exactly can I join the CoCML again?
Any true seeker of the Chocolate Monkey, and by that I mean "any nutbag," can join the CoCML, and thereby post on this blog. It requires no donation, no tribute, and hey, good news for you lazy bastards, no real effort at all. Simply send an email to the Grand Poo-Bah and give him a working email address and you will recieve an invite to join. Once you are a member in good standing (also known as "Official Cockmule," you will be able to post here. You probably also need to be a member of Blogspot. Duh.
Divine Question #12:
What exactly does the Grand Poo-Bah do with our email addresses?
He either sells them to the nation's leading magazine and catalog warehouses, or he holds them in the strictest confidence. It's one of those.
Divine Question #13:
What are the rules about posting here on the CoCML?
The primary rule about posting here is the same as the primary rule of life, according to the Chocolate Monkey: "Be ye not a douchebag." Otherwise, this church is open for all to explore the many facets of the love of the Chocolate Monkey, whatever forms they may take. In other words, we look to you to help us form this church into something great. Or something silly. Silly's good too.
Divine Question #14:
Forgive me father, for I have sinned...
Stop right there. There is only one unforgivable sin in the CoCML, and that is the sin of being a total douchebag. Being a douchebag and making other people feel bad will get you ejected from the CoCML faster than a Last night's leftover Chinese food got ejected from the Grand Poo-Bah's ass. Other than that, the wise and mighty Chocolate Monkey does not feel you need his forgiveness. You may feel free to forgive yourself, however, for anything naughty you have done.
Divine Question #15:
Is there some sort of vow of celibacy in the CoCML?
Hell no! Who told you that? The Chocolate Monkey himself has a wild and varried sex life, and encourages his followers to do the same, providing they stick to Rule #1: "Be ye not a douchebag." We believe pre-marital sex is okay. We believe post-marital sex rocks too. We believe sex during the wedding is also kind of a fun idea.
Divine Question #16:
Isn't this kind of like that Flying Spaghetti Monster thing I keep hearing about?
Fuck that Flying Spaghetti Monster. The Chocolate Monkey flings his divine feces at him. The Chocolate Monkey is way cooler. Besides, which would you rather have from your deity, marinara stains, or great pools of melty chocolate love?
Divine Question #17:
Do I have to abandon my existing religious beliefs to join the CoCML?
Absolutely not. As long as your existing religious beliefs do not violate Rule #1 (don't make me say it again...) they are welcome in the CoCML. The Chocolate Monkey loves all the other deities. (Maybe not that Spaghetti Monster...) He thinks Buddha smells like flowers and soap! He thinks God has a voice like violins and fizzy soda! He thinks Jesus tastes like Mars Bar! He thinks Yahweh looks shiny like a new penny! He thinks nice things about Muhammad, but he won't get specific, because people seem a bit touchy about that one these days. In other words, Yes, please bring your existing beliefs with you to the CoCML.
Divine Question #18:
Are they any specific beliefs I have to adhere to to be a member of the CoCML?
Yes. You must believe that Miss Kendra rocks and that CommonWombat is awesome.
Divine Question #19:
Will the CoCML always be there for me, through the good times and the bad?
We hope the CoCML will be eternal, as the Great Chocolate Monkey is eternal, and will always be a source of joy, happiness, and vitamin B in your life. However, we are not naive. The CoCML will probably be around until the novelty wears off.
No more questions now! The Grand Poo-Bah needs to meditate. And by "meditate," I mean "eat a bowl of ice cream."
Divine Question #11:
So how exactly can I join the CoCML again?
Any true seeker of the Chocolate Monkey, and by that I mean "any nutbag," can join the CoCML, and thereby post on this blog. It requires no donation, no tribute, and hey, good news for you lazy bastards, no real effort at all. Simply send an email to the Grand Poo-Bah and give him a working email address and you will recieve an invite to join. Once you are a member in good standing (also known as "Official Cockmule," you will be able to post here. You probably also need to be a member of Blogspot. Duh.
Divine Question #12:
What exactly does the Grand Poo-Bah do with our email addresses?
He either sells them to the nation's leading magazine and catalog warehouses, or he holds them in the strictest confidence. It's one of those.
Divine Question #13:
What are the rules about posting here on the CoCML?
The primary rule about posting here is the same as the primary rule of life, according to the Chocolate Monkey: "Be ye not a douchebag." Otherwise, this church is open for all to explore the many facets of the love of the Chocolate Monkey, whatever forms they may take. In other words, we look to you to help us form this church into something great. Or something silly. Silly's good too.
Divine Question #14:
Forgive me father, for I have sinned...
Stop right there. There is only one unforgivable sin in the CoCML, and that is the sin of being a total douchebag. Being a douchebag and making other people feel bad will get you ejected from the CoCML faster than a Last night's leftover Chinese food got ejected from the Grand Poo-Bah's ass. Other than that, the wise and mighty Chocolate Monkey does not feel you need his forgiveness. You may feel free to forgive yourself, however, for anything naughty you have done.
Divine Question #15:
Is there some sort of vow of celibacy in the CoCML?
Hell no! Who told you that? The Chocolate Monkey himself has a wild and varried sex life, and encourages his followers to do the same, providing they stick to Rule #1: "Be ye not a douchebag." We believe pre-marital sex is okay. We believe post-marital sex rocks too. We believe sex during the wedding is also kind of a fun idea.
Divine Question #16:
Isn't this kind of like that Flying Spaghetti Monster thing I keep hearing about?
Fuck that Flying Spaghetti Monster. The Chocolate Monkey flings his divine feces at him. The Chocolate Monkey is way cooler. Besides, which would you rather have from your deity, marinara stains, or great pools of melty chocolate love?
Divine Question #17:
Do I have to abandon my existing religious beliefs to join the CoCML?
Absolutely not. As long as your existing religious beliefs do not violate Rule #1 (don't make me say it again...) they are welcome in the CoCML. The Chocolate Monkey loves all the other deities. (Maybe not that Spaghetti Monster...) He thinks Buddha smells like flowers and soap! He thinks God has a voice like violins and fizzy soda! He thinks Jesus tastes like Mars Bar! He thinks Yahweh looks shiny like a new penny! He thinks nice things about Muhammad, but he won't get specific, because people seem a bit touchy about that one these days. In other words, Yes, please bring your existing beliefs with you to the CoCML.
Divine Question #18:
Are they any specific beliefs I have to adhere to to be a member of the CoCML?
Yes. You must believe that Miss Kendra rocks and that CommonWombat is awesome.
Divine Question #19:
Will the CoCML always be there for me, through the good times and the bad?
We hope the CoCML will be eternal, as the Great Chocolate Monkey is eternal, and will always be a source of joy, happiness, and vitamin B in your life. However, we are not naive. The CoCML will probably be around until the novelty wears off.
No more questions now! The Grand Poo-Bah needs to meditate. And by "meditate," I mean "eat a bowl of ice cream."
posted by CommonWombat at 9:50 AM
11 Comments:
I am so excited to be FIRST to comment on this post. I feel special.
My email is completely fried, so I will have to wait to apply for membership, but I feel strongly that I can adhere to the guidelines for this faith.
Thank you Oh Chocolate Monkey Love!
now that i'm an avid disciple... how do i get a visit from the chocolate monkey himself? i need some chocolate puddle-y lovin'.
and do i have to ask you (aka.pooh bah/bess) questions or is the CM available for a person to person... i'll call collect of course.
i'm pretty sure we each have a special connection to the chocolate monkey, though he is often silent in his response.
but he listens to all.
(the poo-bess on the otherhand gets bored sometimes and just nods at regualr intervals.)
oh! pants says we need special underwear, and i think that sounds fun... which leads me to something i have been waiting to say all day:
make it so!
Do you guys have jobs???
special underpants can be arranged. as long as they all match.
they don't have to be crotchless do they? cuz i can do crotchless... but it might make a difference if i'm wearing a skirt.
This sounds like a church I could really get behind.
Sweet! This means I can be a bishop of Cockmule. I'm the Bishop of Cockmule! I'm the Bishop of Cockmule!
no way margo.
i used to work in a store that sold those (among other things) and they're nasty.
poobess hereby officially vetos chocolate thongs.
sorry.
Hey, who do I have to bribe to a "member in good standing"?
snay- you just email your shit to the poobah and decide what title you want.
you could probably just tell him seeing as you're right near by.
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