SERMON: The Chocolate Monkey will be your valentine.
Yes, like most other churches in the world, the CoCML does indeed have sermons. Unlike most other churches, our sermons are fun, and tend to involve curse words! (Fuckedy fuck fuck donkeywang!!!) Also, although this sermon is being brought to you by the Grand Poo-Bah, the CoCML is truly a forward thinking church of the people, and invites (nay, encourages) any of its official members to sermonize here about any subject they deem important.
Now...
First a reading from the Book of Chocolate Love, Chapter 37, Verses 3-9:
"And lo, upon the day of Valentines there was much weeping and gnashing of teeth amongst the lonely, for they didst not know the Monkey's love for them. Also amongst the jaded and cynical there was much bitching and moaning, for the jaded and cynical love to bitch and moan. And the Monkey didst look upon the people, and particularly upon the faces of the people, and most specifically the eyes of the faces of the people, and he didst love them and send them chocolates and cookies. And chocolate cookies."
Yes, we are about to reach that most controversial of holidays, the day known as St. Valentines. The Chocolate Monkey is well aware that most of his followers are a little bit... shall we say, bitter when it comes to this particular day. The Chocolate Monkey has heard all your complaints before... You got dumped, you got spurned, you got tied to a live porcupine and were made to eat sand, you hate candy, you hate cards, you hate love... He knows all of the pain that this day causes you, and he knows how the people out there with happy, good relationships use this day to rub it in your face how alone and miserable you are.
The Chocolate Monkey has a special message for all of you lonely hearts this Valentines day:
Get the fuck over it.
Now, before you feel angry at the Chocolate Monkey for speaking to you thusly, please believe that the Chocolate Monkey loves you and means what he says in the best possible way.
But seriously, get the fuck over it.
Life is a fickle thing, and you may indeed be feeling lonely or jaded this February 14th. But that's no reason to take out your feelings on the people who are in relationships. It's certainly not their fault that they're happy, and they really aren't doing it to make you personally feel bad. Be happy for them. Besides, at any time, the Chocolate monkey may bestow upon them a nasty case of VD. Not something you have to worry about. No one ever got VD from a pint of Ben & Jerry's and a bottle of lube.
(Well, the Grand Poo-Bah did once, but that's really a story for another sermon.)
The point is, that the Chocolate Monkey doesn't want to hear your bitchin'. He does however want you to be happy. So instead of sitting around feeling miserable on Valentines Day, go out and celebrate the fact that the Chocolate Monkey loves you. Get your buddies together and do something you really enjoy. (Unless you really enjoy setting bums on fire. Remember rule #1 and don't be a douchebag.) The Monkey commands you to really treat yourself this Tuesday, and remember that no matter where you are, and no matter what you're doing, the Chocolate Monkey will be your date. He's always complimentary, and he thinks you look fabulous in whatever you're wearing.
The Chocolate Monkey has a special Valentines Day message to all the happy people in relationships as well:
By all means go out and celebrate your love, but don't be a douchebag about it. No one wants to see you making out in public. Get a fucking room.
May the love of the Chocolate Monkey be with you forever and always, and my you never run out of condoms at an inopportune moment. Amen.
Now...
First a reading from the Book of Chocolate Love, Chapter 37, Verses 3-9:
"And lo, upon the day of Valentines there was much weeping and gnashing of teeth amongst the lonely, for they didst not know the Monkey's love for them. Also amongst the jaded and cynical there was much bitching and moaning, for the jaded and cynical love to bitch and moan. And the Monkey didst look upon the people, and particularly upon the faces of the people, and most specifically the eyes of the faces of the people, and he didst love them and send them chocolates and cookies. And chocolate cookies."
Yes, we are about to reach that most controversial of holidays, the day known as St. Valentines. The Chocolate Monkey is well aware that most of his followers are a little bit... shall we say, bitter when it comes to this particular day. The Chocolate Monkey has heard all your complaints before... You got dumped, you got spurned, you got tied to a live porcupine and were made to eat sand, you hate candy, you hate cards, you hate love... He knows all of the pain that this day causes you, and he knows how the people out there with happy, good relationships use this day to rub it in your face how alone and miserable you are.
The Chocolate Monkey has a special message for all of you lonely hearts this Valentines day:
Get the fuck over it.
Now, before you feel angry at the Chocolate Monkey for speaking to you thusly, please believe that the Chocolate Monkey loves you and means what he says in the best possible way.
But seriously, get the fuck over it.
Life is a fickle thing, and you may indeed be feeling lonely or jaded this February 14th. But that's no reason to take out your feelings on the people who are in relationships. It's certainly not their fault that they're happy, and they really aren't doing it to make you personally feel bad. Be happy for them. Besides, at any time, the Chocolate monkey may bestow upon them a nasty case of VD. Not something you have to worry about. No one ever got VD from a pint of Ben & Jerry's and a bottle of lube.
(Well, the Grand Poo-Bah did once, but that's really a story for another sermon.)
The point is, that the Chocolate Monkey doesn't want to hear your bitchin'. He does however want you to be happy. So instead of sitting around feeling miserable on Valentines Day, go out and celebrate the fact that the Chocolate Monkey loves you. Get your buddies together and do something you really enjoy. (Unless you really enjoy setting bums on fire. Remember rule #1 and don't be a douchebag.) The Monkey commands you to really treat yourself this Tuesday, and remember that no matter where you are, and no matter what you're doing, the Chocolate Monkey will be your date. He's always complimentary, and he thinks you look fabulous in whatever you're wearing.
The Chocolate Monkey has a special Valentines Day message to all the happy people in relationships as well:
By all means go out and celebrate your love, but don't be a douchebag about it. No one wants to see you making out in public. Get a fucking room.
May the love of the Chocolate Monkey be with you forever and always, and my you never run out of condoms at an inopportune moment. Amen.
posted by CommonWombat at 9:18 PM
5 Comments:
the chocolate monkey was made for this day... and easter i think.
i shall take a bite of his lovely chocolate-y goodness and wash my soul of bitterness.
mmm.... relig-elicious.
hehehehe religilicious.
ha!
I say all the single people should get thyselves to thy nearest "adult video store" and buy the biggest wang they can find, either for actual use, or just for putting on the coffee table to spark amusing "small talk".
"Why yes, mom and dad, that is a giant purple dick on my coffee table. Can I get you something to drink?"
This is somewhat on topic, as it pertains to a "Chocolate POPE." I thought I'd share:
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/177/story_17752_1.html
u non believing blastphamest will all feel the mighty rath of the post cathlic bapptist pre appocolyptic church of awsome babes as it has officaily decleared a jihad on you HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
btw where are u guys situated ? :D
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