the beginning of time

hershey 1:835

"and the chocolate monkey knew watermelon flavoured starburst, his wife; and she conceived, and bore chocolate watermelon flavour skittles, and said, I have gotten a delicious treat from the chocolate monkey. And she again bore his brother chocolate watermelon flavoured cookies. And CWFC was a keeper of sexual innuendos, but CWFS was a tiller of the naughty things that people do at night."

amen. or something.

SERMON: The Chocolate Monkey will be your valentine.

Yes, like most other churches in the world, the CoCML does indeed have sermons. Unlike most other churches, our sermons are fun, and tend to involve curse words! (Fuckedy fuck fuck donkeywang!!!) Also, although this sermon is being brought to you by the Grand Poo-Bah, the CoCML is truly a forward thinking church of the people, and invites (nay, encourages) any of its official members to sermonize here about any subject they deem important.

Now...

First a reading from the Book of Chocolate Love, Chapter 37, Verses 3-9:

"And lo, upon the day of Valentines there was much weeping and gnashing of teeth amongst the lonely, for they didst not know the Monkey's love for them. Also amongst the jaded and cynical there was much bitching and moaning, for the jaded and cynical love to bitch and moan. And the Monkey didst look upon the people, and particularly upon the faces of the people, and most specifically the eyes of the faces of the people, and he didst love them and send them chocolates and cookies. And chocolate cookies."

Yes, we are about to reach that most controversial of holidays, the day known as St. Valentines. The Chocolate Monkey is well aware that most of his followers are a little bit... shall we say, bitter when it comes to this particular day. The Chocolate Monkey has heard all your complaints before... You got dumped, you got spurned, you got tied to a live porcupine and were made to eat sand, you hate candy, you hate cards, you hate love... He knows all of the pain that this day causes you, and he knows how the people out there with happy, good relationships use this day to rub it in your face how alone and miserable you are.

The Chocolate Monkey has a special message for all of you lonely hearts this Valentines day:

Get the fuck over it.

Now, before you feel angry at the Chocolate Monkey for speaking to you thusly, please believe that the Chocolate Monkey loves you and means what he says in the best possible way.

But seriously, get the fuck over it.

Life is a fickle thing, and you may indeed be feeling lonely or jaded this February 14th. But that's no reason to take out your feelings on the people who are in relationships. It's certainly not their fault that they're happy, and they really aren't doing it to make you personally feel bad. Be happy for them. Besides, at any time, the Chocolate monkey may bestow upon them a nasty case of VD. Not something you have to worry about. No one ever got VD from a pint of Ben & Jerry's and a bottle of lube.

(Well, the Grand Poo-Bah did once, but that's really a story for another sermon.)

The point is, that the Chocolate Monkey doesn't want to hear your bitchin'. He does however want you to be happy. So instead of sitting around feeling miserable on Valentines Day, go out and celebrate the fact that the Chocolate Monkey loves you. Get your buddies together and do something you really enjoy. (Unless you really enjoy setting bums on fire. Remember rule #1 and don't be a douchebag.) The Monkey commands you to really treat yourself this Tuesday, and remember that no matter where you are, and no matter what you're doing, the Chocolate Monkey will be your date. He's always complimentary, and he thinks you look fabulous in whatever you're wearing.

The Chocolate Monkey has a special Valentines Day message to all the happy people in relationships as well:

By all means go out and celebrate your love, but don't be a douchebag about it. No one wants to see you making out in public. Get a fucking room.

May the love of the Chocolate Monkey be with you forever and always, and my you never run out of condoms at an inopportune moment. Amen.

Divine Questions #2

Directeth thy mouse to scroll downward, if thee wouldst read the first of these divine questions. Sheesh.

Divine Question #11:
So how exactly can I join the CoCML again?

Any true seeker of the Chocolate Monkey, and by that I mean "any nutbag," can join the CoCML, and thereby post on this blog. It requires no donation, no tribute, and hey, good news for you lazy bastards, no real effort at all. Simply send an email to the Grand Poo-Bah and give him a working email address and you will recieve an invite to join. Once you are a member in good standing (also known as "Official Cockmule," you will be able to post here. You probably also need to be a member of Blogspot. Duh.

Divine Question #12:
What exactly does the Grand Poo-Bah do with our email addresses?

He either sells them to the nation's leading magazine and catalog warehouses, or he holds them in the strictest confidence. It's one of those.

Divine Question #13:
What are the rules about posting here on the CoCML?

The primary rule about posting here is the same as the primary rule of life, according to the Chocolate Monkey: "Be ye not a douchebag." Otherwise, this church is open for all to explore the many facets of the love of the Chocolate Monkey, whatever forms they may take. In other words, we look to you to help us form this church into something great. Or something silly. Silly's good too.

Divine Question #14:
Forgive me father, for I have sinned...

Stop right there. There is only one unforgivable sin in the CoCML, and that is the sin of being a total douchebag. Being a douchebag and making other people feel bad will get you ejected from the CoCML faster than a Last night's leftover Chinese food got ejected from the Grand Poo-Bah's ass. Other than that, the wise and mighty Chocolate Monkey does not feel you need his forgiveness. You may feel free to forgive yourself, however, for anything naughty you have done.

Divine Question #15:
Is there some sort of vow of celibacy in the CoCML?

Hell no! Who told you that? The Chocolate Monkey himself has a wild and varried sex life, and encourages his followers to do the same, providing they stick to Rule #1: "Be ye not a douchebag." We believe pre-marital sex is okay. We believe post-marital sex rocks too. We believe sex during the wedding is also kind of a fun idea.

Divine Question #16:
Isn't this kind of like that Flying Spaghetti Monster thing I keep hearing about?

Fuck that Flying Spaghetti Monster. The Chocolate Monkey flings his divine feces at him. The Chocolate Monkey is way cooler. Besides, which would you rather have from your deity, marinara stains, or great pools of melty chocolate love?

Divine Question #17:
Do I have to abandon my existing religious beliefs to join the CoCML?

Absolutely not. As long as your existing religious beliefs do not violate Rule #1 (don't make me say it again...) they are welcome in the CoCML. The Chocolate Monkey loves all the other deities. (Maybe not that Spaghetti Monster...) He thinks Buddha smells like flowers and soap! He thinks God has a voice like violins and fizzy soda! He thinks Jesus tastes like Mars Bar! He thinks Yahweh looks shiny like a new penny! He thinks nice things about Muhammad, but he won't get specific, because people seem a bit touchy about that one these days. In other words, Yes, please bring your existing beliefs with you to the CoCML.

Divine Question #18:
Are they any specific beliefs I have to adhere to to be a member of the CoCML?

Yes. You must believe that Miss Kendra rocks and that CommonWombat is awesome.

Divine Question #19:
Will the CoCML always be there for me, through the good times and the bad?

We hope the CoCML will be eternal, as the Great Chocolate Monkey is eternal, and will always be a source of joy, happiness, and vitamin B in your life. However, we are not naive. The CoCML will probably be around until the novelty wears off.

No more questions now! The Grand Poo-Bah needs to meditate. And by "meditate," I mean "eat a bowl of ice cream."

Divine Questions #1

Behold, oh seekers of Chocolate Monkey Happiness, The first in a series of oh so holy (and oh so chocolatey!) documents that will guide you as you begin your journey in the Church of Chocolate Monkey Love. Don't so much read these edicts as much as let them melt in your mouth and fill your stomach with warm chocolate love. For the CoCML is truly the church that melts in your mouth, not in your hands.

Divine Question #1:
What is the Church of Chocolate Monkey Love?

It is believed that once, long ago, in the time before the dinosaurs, the Giant Chocolate Monkey walked the land. Everywhere his feet touched the ground he would leave a great chocolate puddle. Any creature who bathed in these great puddles would suddenly be filled with the wisdom of the universe and become one with all life in the cosmos. Of course, this was before the dinosaurs, so there weren't that many creatures on the Earth. There were maybe 7. But at least 3 of them bathed (or fell) in the chocolate puddles and recieved the universal wisdom (before drowning in the chocolate.) The other 4 creatures all agreed that the Chocolate Monkey was pretty cool. Thus the great Church of Chocolate Monkey Love was born.

Divine Question #2:
Wow. Is that story true???

Of course not. It's complete bullshit.

Divine Question #3:
Can I join the Church of Chocolate Monkey Love?

Sure thing. In fact, Everyone is already a member of the Church of Chocolate Monkey Love. Except for the real douchebags. Everyone else already has the love of the Chocolate Monkey inside of them. It feels kind of like an itch in your butt. Sit still and you'll feel it. See? There it is. That's not an infection, you've got the love of the Monkey in your butt!!! Unless you're one of the douchebags. Fuck the douchebags. No Monkey Love for them.

Divine Question #4:
Who leads the Church of Chocolate Monkey Love?

Nobody really leads the Church of Chocolate Monkey Love. But if you must have someone you can look to for guidance and wisdom, Commonwombat is the Grand Poo-Bah, and Miss Kendra is Grand Poo-Bess. They're not the boss of you or anything, but feel free to shower them with gifts. Also, Monkey is the official Spokesmonkey of the Church of Chocolate Monkey Love.

Divine Question #5:
Can I have a position of power in the Church of Chocolate Monkey Love? Or perhaps a cool title like "Spokesmonkey?"

Sure. Why not? Knock yourself out. All positions in the Church of Chocolate Monkey Love are self-appointed.

Divine Question #6:
It's getting really tiring saying "Church of Chocolate Monkey Love." Is there some sort of abreviation I could use?

Okay... How about "CoCML?" You can pronounce it "Cockmule." As in "Hey man, are you a member of the cockmule???"

Divine Question #7:
Cockmule? Do I have to say it like that?

Yeah. Tough it out.

Divine Question #8:
What are the basic tenets of the CoCML?

First of all, be ye not a total douchebag. Also, try to be nice to people. Don't judge, lest ye be a total douchebag. Also, if thee hast 3 cookies, thou must give at least 1 cookie to someone who has no cookies. We call that the "3 Cookie Rule." If you want, you could shorten it to "Don't be a douchebag and hog all the cookies."

Divine Question #9:
How does this blog work?

If you would like to become a member of the CoCML, Simply say so, and the Grand Poo-Bah or Grand Poo-Bess will authorize you to post here. (At leats that's the idea... We haven't actually put it into practice yet... Just because the Poo-bah and Poo-Bess are infallable doesn't mean they don't make mistakes...) The CoCML should be a place for everyone to share their love of the Chocolate Monkey.

Divine Question #10:
Hey I just thought of something... How does the CoCML -

No more questions for today. The Grand Poo-Bah is tired. He must rest. And possibly masturbate.